I (Haven’t) Got the Juice

Food is important.

Shocker, right.

I mean, we all need it to live, that goes without saying.

However, based on how we look, people tend to assume what we like to eat.

I’m not trying to stew a beef (haha) but generally, bigger girls in this lifetime are assumed to like pap, oxtail, egusi with roast potatoes on the side (wut?) and then amagwinya  for a midnight snack coz carbs are life.

Then, on the other end, petite girls are assumed to be in love with the fabulous taste of leaves, kale and milk. or something I don’t know.

health food

It is alleged that I am a petite young lady, and as a result, I’ve often been called a kuaia girl (lmao I don’t even know how to spell it?). I decided that for a week, I would embody the role assumed upon me.  I would eat what supposed Kauai huns eat and live my best calorie free life. First up:

Carrot Juice

So this started back at an event I went to. Beyoncé’s make up artist, Sir John, was in town, and because my mate is on relationship goals levels with Woolies, I was blessed with a complimentary ticket and off we went. Off we went to soak up all the wisdom queen B’s face beater would let us have.

Amidst all that Sir John had said, he made sure to emphasize that kale and carrot juice are an absolute must for the skin. I MEAN, Beyoncé has good skin so obviously she listened to the boi and has beeeen drinking the stuff, eating or even smoking the stuff. We don’t really know how celebs eat their greens behind closed doors.

Anyway, so on a Monday (coz all new resolutions take effect on a Monday) I went to the 7/11 near the cribbo and by complete coinky dink, I came across carrot juice. Complete coincidence. I wasn’t looking to be healthy but if the opportunity comes out of nowhere, you take it. Especially because there never was carrot juice at 7/11 to begin with.

health food

        oh wow, carrot juice.. is that you , ma?

Anyway, so I started small, and bought a small one. They did have a 2L option but having tried to be on a seafood vibe only the previous week and almost dying from food poisoning, I thought it might be wise to start small.

Ice cold, dripping with condensed droplets of water, it was a warm 28 degree day and this carrot beverage would go down beautifully. I honestly thought that. I had no prejudices in mind about it and so its pretty cool to say I was real open minded (and open mouthed) about this drink.


I took a sip, and immediately felt heart broken for two reasons. 1. wasting R12 rand and 2. because I knew that on a broke day I would look back at this day with anger because I’m spending coins on shit like I have the privilege to do so.

The sip was smaller than the tear of a new born baby, but the potency of carrot juice was toooooo much. It was intense, it was gross and tasted overwhelmingly like the taste of disappointment and betrayal. It tasted like a group work at Uni. It tasted like a debit order. It tasted like, what you would assume the hashtag #MenAreTrash tastes like 🙁

That small sip caused such an uneasy queasy feeling in me, by the time my lift club came to get me, I was a wreck. I was hungry, I was peckish and if I’m to be honest, I felt alone.

I made a move to sit down, strategizing what to do next. I mean, I’m coinless with a Saharah dry throat and there is a threat of vomit sneaking up and down my guts like an elevator.

As I sat, a river of carrot juice spilled onto my pants. We all know product packaging to be filled with 99% air and 1% product. WELL NOT THIS ONE, SON :/

So much of it spilled out, BUT YET there was still so much left in the juice box.

I was wearing light blue jeans, so I jumped out the slowly moving car in panic “fuuuuuuxxxxkkkkkk!”. Light blue jeans and the orange to pink to red spectrum don’t go hand in hand at all.

Got into the back seat, opened the windows and sat with my butt slightly elevated coz I mean, lol cummon. I’m going to campus, no one will understand what happened. Deep colored stain on light blue jeans and you call it carrot juice? lol Okay Chizoba. I had to get my pants dry – Face down, ass up. Lets go, LETS. GOOOOOO.

Now, please understand that this trauma is happening all at the hand of one health nut wanna be experience. Was it really worth it? Was it really?

I ate biltong to try and mask the vile taste of smack in my mouth and then some extra Durban curry spice noodles for effect.

Not even an hour later, I puked all of it up. All of it. As far back as the drum stick I had for breakfast, all of it. This continued for most of the day and for a good couple of hours, I felt the life get drained out of me. I felt like Bella in the scene of Twilight where the baby sucks the nutrients out of her from the inside.

health foodI was so weak for the remainder of the day, I fell asleep in the postgrad lounge just to recuperate. Slept during the car ride home as well as and decided that just for today, the health needed to stop.

Too much risk for one day.

chizoba gule



  1. November 24, 2017 / 7:37 pm

    This post made me laugh out loud!
    I also wrote about Sir John’s advice & have been contemplating drinking kale or carrot juice for the last few weeks, but I have not yet had the guts to buy or make or drink it. x

    • admin
      November 25, 2017 / 10:03 am

      hahaha, I think you should give it a go and give us a write up of how it went for you. It might be a more positive, food settling experience hahah. Have you tried any of his other tips? 🙂

  2. Cesaltina
    November 26, 2017 / 1:16 pm

    😂 😂 good stuff man.

    • admin
      November 28, 2017 / 9:10 am

      Thank you 🙂 Is this you saying i should get you some to try for yourself ?

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