8 Things a Hostess is Thinking When She Looks at You

Hostesses have different functions but all in all, the main one is to make sure that you, as the guest, have the best time ever. With that being said, none of us wake up in the morning with the intention of being rude af, whyling in the street just ‘coz we can. It usually happens once we get to work because people just stay, STAY testing us.

Over the last 5 years, I’ve been a hostess at quite large handful of events but there is always one thing that remains consistent: the people who pull through just to wreak, what we feel is havoc. 

I hostess in my spare time because it pays abundantly good money, and I genuinely enjoy meeting new people every single day – I would recommend this to anyone saving up for flights, wanting nice time things, or wanting to have extra cash for rainy days. With that being said, there are a few minor shenanigans that make hostesses want to bite your nipple right off just to help you, the guest, calm your tits.

1. Waiting List

In most sit-down restaurants, there will often be a waiting list being run if it’s a busy day. So usually, before you partake in the waiting list, we’re most likely to give you a little run down of what’s going on. We’ll let you know in some or other way like, ” ayo fam, you’re gonna waaaaait. Are you keen on that?”. If you say yes, we’ll give an estimated waiting time, we’ll handle your expectations some more and tell you that we cannot promise you the table that you want but we’ll try. Then, we’ll tell you how long you might have to wait for your food when you do eventually sit down and order.

To me, this seems pretty organized. At this point, as a guest, you’re able to decide if you’re vibing with this or nah. If not, the natural thing to do is leave.

But, you don’t. Instead, you come to us and say stuff like “ahw, I’ve been waiting forever”,  “Aww, when will we have a table?”, ” awhhh, this is unacceptable”. Pudding, there are guests here who have been waiting at the bar for an hour. Please fam.

My phone is ringing, we’ve got a celebrity being a diva to the waiter and I just finished my mini stress donuts. As much as I might want to, I can’t even with you rn.

2. Sundowner Hour

If you’re looking to piss a hostess off, come through at sundowner hour and leave your logic at home. Some places have tables on the outside, and they often fill up quite quickly especially during the hour(s) of sunset. We understand this, which is why we take our snack breaks just before this time kicks in so we’re full, hydrated and fresh. When you arrive, we’ll be excited to see you, and as a result, we’ll be chirpy, too. It will get to the point where you notice there are NO available tables outside / on the terrace but You’ll look at us, your whole grown tax paying adult self will look at us and say  ” but I’d like to sit outside 💔”.

For the first round we’ll coddle your emotions and be like “Aww, haha, right? Perfect spot for such I know 🙂 but our terrace is full at the moment, would you be interested in a table somewhere slightly inside until a table becomes available ?”, or something to that effect. The natural thing to do would either be to leave, or take the table inside. But noooo, I’ll get “awhh, I really want to sit outside thoughhhh”.

There aren’t tables at the moment, though:). At this point there is a line forming behind you and your indecisiveness. We can’t help but think about all the times our teachers at school used to respond with ‘on my head’ when you asked for something she clearly couldn’t do. You walk into a full class room on some, ‘ma’ am, where can I sit? ‘  and without skipping a beat, ma’ am would say ‘On my head’ . skrrrrt.

Anyway, then you’ll say  “but we wanted to watch the sunset, it’s such a beautiful day”

And in our minds we’ll say, ‘fine. Sit on my head ke’

%&$#@=+/:)(%=hahahahaNotPettyhahaha

3. Dress code

Most places have a dress code, clubs, fine dining eateries and sometimes even shows.

So when you come through looking like a snack, we’ll acknowledge that. However, if you’re not suited for the place we’re at, hostesses will often ask if you have an alternative garment just to make it a little easier to let you in. We are not hating, let’s get that part clear, we are NOT hating on you and we definitely not ‘bouncing’ you coz we want your man. 

4. I’m on the phone

Picture this, I’m deep within a telephonic conversation and you come up to our desk and just start speaking. So I look at you  signal that I’m on the phone and that I’ll be only 2 minutes…

But you keep speaking. Where do you think we are, famo? This is not your grandpa’s call center. Wait until a young thug gets off the phone bruh.

Get onto the play store, buy some manners and activate day ting coz wow the streets a running amuck with the lack of basic manners that get shown at the door hey.

This upsets most of hostesses because shortly after this, guests will want to hop on to write in a review that they were terribly ignored or that the hostess was rude.

Uhm no, you were, cupcake . #accountability2019

5. Reservations

” Hi, this is cupcake. I’d like to make a reservation for 4 people at 19:00pm please.” The pots get done and the hostess sends you the confirmation details of your booking. 

The day goes by beautifully and reservation cards are being put up, including that of Cupcake, for 4 people. 19:00pm comes around and Cupcake pulls up … squadddddd deeeeepppp with 8 mates, 2 babies and a cat. That’s okay, we cool we cool we coooool. Except, there’s no space at the moment because it’s a busy day and we have no more tables available to accommodate this surprise squad.

Boom! Cupcake is mad af, on some  “this is so unprofessional, now I have to wait even though I made a reservation”

lol it actually is my problem but in my mind…

What do you meeeeaaaaaan unprofessional??

What did you think was going to happen? You don’t book a flight for one person online during festive season and then pull up with a team and expect to find seats on the same flight. next to each other. at boarding time.

Come now cupcake, don’t play with us like this. We will definitely try to still make it litty for you, but handle the consequences like the champ that you know you are. 

6.  Seating yourself

Lol, this I’ve seen alot. Especially with the human beings that come in with a financier of some sort. They’ll assert their right to be there by walking right passed the hostess and taking the table of their choice and taking a seat.

This is usually not even a big deal we don’t mind, except when, again, it’s a busy season. Reservation cards will be put up, provisions will have been made etc and then boom, Honeypot just walks in and sits her sit. Cool.

The hostess will get to them, with the intention of telling them that it’s reserved and the Honeypot will then place an order .. with the hostess. No babe, I don’t take orders but also, this table is reserved. Please come with me so I can show you an equally beautiful table.

Now it looks like the hostess is after your man (this is always the extreme conclusion, not that we’re tryna do our job or anything) and trying to show you up, or is just being difficult. So you’ll proceed to be rude to the waiter for the rest of the evening and then tell us how if you wanted to, you could buy the whole menu (which is a but extra but that’s your flex, FLEX👏👏. We Stan a financially reckless but stable bbz). You’ll assume and hint at agism  sexism, racism and all isms under the liberal banner , when that was not at all the case. Had you just made a young pitstop at the hostess desk instead of walking right passed her, no one would have moved you. Don’t stress us out please.

7. Pick ups

We all know men are trash. We just assume that sometimes the trashy part of them will be taken out and in that short time there will be some wholesome behavior from them. But alas. No such thing.

Whether corporate or hospitality, gents tend to always, always come for the hostess at the end of their evening. It starts with small looks over at you while you’re busy with other guests, then unnecessary requests for an extra flyer or salt and pepper. You’ll be minding your own business and jiki jiki there’s a gent staring at you like Alex stares at the zebra in Madagascar, the movie.

” Can I take you out to dinner?”

I’m full, thanks.

“What about next week?”

I think I’ll be full then too. Fully stuffed.

You’ll walk away and look for something else to do that’s related to your actual job and there she is. His whole entire wife 👀👀

My nigga, what??

And the crazy this is, this is not even half of it.

8. Making a plan

You come through  and tell us you need a table and promise that you’ll be super quick  It’s only for 3 people, you’ve got a flight to catch a way at 9. “Sure of course” , the hostess will beam, ” but please bare in mind that we have a reservation for this table for 8pm so we’ll need it back at about 7.15.”

You swear up and down that you’ll leave the table before then. The game is in motion.

You order your vibes and fun is the name of the sauce everyone is lost in. Theres banter, music, drinks on ice and great vibes between us and you. It’s 7pm and we’re making moves to remind you about that thing. “awe awe, dawg, don’t stress we’re finish up.” The hostess is now thinking things like ” wow, my people skills are phenomenal. Time management? Impeccable. You know, life is all about communication, that’s all. I should start a business  I think my employees would love me. Commucation 👏”.

So you’re hyping yourself up and you see the table order 16378292 more bottles for their table plus some extra steaks.

” hey guyssssssss “, nervousness creeps in.” I thought, you know? Lol “. When what you really wanna say is ” WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON? IS THAT ANOTHER ITEM ORDERED? *Breathes* What did we agree on? WHAT DID WE AGREE ON?!”

They refuse to move, the guest arrives and 9 times out of 10 one of them is disgustingly unhappy which results in the manager or the hostess being called names or on a really good day, racist.

Don’t be like this guys please. Just be nice to us when you get to whatever function, event or restaurant you’re going to. lol everyday you give this small small drama then we see you on campus when you broke and amzing us for R2 so you can buy cigarettes 🙄. And stop telling us we’re racist 😂😂😩 Just do as the Romans do wherever you go and it will be lit.

x

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3 Comments

  1. Tumelo
    January 16, 2019 / 8:14 pm

    You never fail to get some chuckles out of a brotha. Wonderful start to 2019, Chichi! Keep em coming 😁😁

    • Tumelo
      January 16, 2019 / 8:16 pm

      Also, in addition to sharing, I think a like button would be dope

      • chizoba_admin
        Author
        January 23, 2019 / 8:55 am

        I will look into getting that on here 🙂 thanks pudding ❤️

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