So You Think You Can Live in Cape Town?

Having a home and making it your own is generally what alot of  (if not all) people look forward to.

We’re told to study hard at school so we can score an amazing job that pays well so that you can buy your dream house that you will build a huge wig rack in. If you’re a hustler, your co-hustlers will remind you of all the times is has just been rough and how having your own place can alleviate one or two of the stresses. The topic of a home is pretty deep.

But when you’re looking to rent, this is where you experience a different level in the game of ‘amanyala’. Especially as a ‘young professional or student‘.

I’ve been summoned to start making baby moves to take my ass out the house. It was an exciting concept at first (more so because I was never allowed to stay at res while I was at university). So the idea of cleaning once a day and coming back to find my place… clean is really exciting all of my insides.

Anyway, so I begin the search and I attend viewings. I’m amped, I’m psyched, it’s going down and I’m on time. Side note though, these agents 👀 don’t 👏answer 👏their 👏damn👏phones.

There’s one in particular, her name is Jodi. BROOO I’ve beeeen calling this hun since NOVEMBER. I don’t even call my gran this consistently and she always advocates for my dad to give me extra money so I should be calling more often. I’ve called, emailed, left messages and even tried to WhatsApp her. Dololo response. But then again, what even is a response to a giant like her who has sole mandate over like 15 of the most convenient properties in the city center 💔😢.

She’s basically the Beyonce of the city center game at this point. She answers when she wants to and if she wants to. It’s January, almost February and the three of us that have tried to get a hold of her haven’t heard a peep. At this point I would feel hella privileged to have her call me back.

Anyway, I accepted my L and looked at other places. These were my favorite incidents.

The very first one, let’s call this place Wild Thought coz that’s exactly what it was, a wild af thought. My friend Carlos lives in this building and I’ve been to his place so I was thinking ‘yaasss, I’m gonna have a cute home tooooooo’. I was thinking about how having Carlos‘ cocktail making skills in the same building would be risky but at the same time it would be litty as well. Will I get turnt today? Or nah? Who knows? 💃 It’s a risk I was willing to take.

I get to place that would have been mine and I’m shooooooooook. Firstly, it has carpet which immediately scratches this place out as an option becauase #SinusSquad and I’m not looking to not be able to breathe all the time.  It’s enough as it is that I always have to choose between eating and breathing now imagine doing that full time. wow. I’m not Jesus, and I can’t fast as long as he did.

The carpet had a hugeee water stain on it, and this is where the whole thing went downhill. When I asked if it would be cleaned out or removed he said ‘no, the owner doesn’t think it’s necessary‘.

lol oh damn 🔥

We get to the bathroom and there’s a mould patch smack in the middle of the ceiling because it turns out the gyser burst a couple of months before. The result was the whole flat flooding, hence the huge stain on the carpet. Ah, life makes sense now. I gerrit. So I ask again, ” Are .. are we gonna do anything about this ceiling? coz I’d hate to die this way”. Once more he reiterates that the owner, who lives in Dubai (bougie), doesn’t find it necessary to renovate the place so whoever takes it will just have to deal.

The kitchen cabinets were off the hinges and the walls looks like a kiddies war zone. When I saw that I didn’t even bother to ask any more questions. It may look like I’ve over exaggerated what I saw, but I promise, this isn’t. What are you paying for this majestic piece of home, may you ask? A whopping R24 000 smackerooooos 💃(double deposit and first month).

Welcome to the mother city.

Fast forward to a change in strategy, a two bedroom where I have a house mate. I won’t lie, I am beyond lazy when it comes to any form of applications so when my moms said I could do it in her name I was psyched, then immediately just as unpsyched when I realised I’d have stuff to fill in. So I’m checking pages like Huis Huis which is known for house mates and pretty places. It’s going well. The vibes are being felt. It’s lit. I take it a notch up coz go big or go home and visit OLX. I didn’t even know the site did this kind of thing. Anyway I’m online and there is. The most perfectly priced piece of land I don’t own (for now 😏).

I call them up because by now I’ve realized that emails are clearly not a vibe, and I’m met with a gent with an accent I couldn’t place. Im not an immigration office so I keep it moving.

“Helloooo, you’re speaking to Sandra” (young recap, Sandra is actually my first name. After this discovery I decided I’d be using my names interchangeably and when needed. Paired with this young coconut model c school twang, Sandra has been working beautifully in my favor).

Moving on, “Hi Sandra how may l ‘elp you?”. We talk about the apartment share he has in Gardens and when I can view it.

It’s a popular property and I have alot of people wanting to see it tomorrow so if you want me to hold it for you, pay your deposit and it’s yours”. That’s great . It’s lit. Loving the swiftness of this interaction except, I’m asking to see the place first. ” Can I view it tomorrow?”

“No”, he says. He goes on to tell me that he lives in Tygerberg so he didn’t see the point of driving all the way to town for one person to view it. Valid, valid, except …

One person? But I thought alot of people were seeing it tomorrow. I want to be a part of the lots of people that are seeing it.

” It’s the weekend so you can’t view it. Pay me a holding fee and I’ll tell all the people they can’t see it until you have”.

Once more, loving this preferential treatment. All about it but, I’m just tryna see the place fam.

So I say listen, send me your email address and I’ll send through all the documents you need now. Let me view the place tomorrow morning and Ill pay the deposit and rent right then and there and all will be done. He says ayt cool, send me R4000 now as a holding fee which I’ll pay it to the body corporate , and I’ll keep the place off the market until next week (why next week, idk). I’ll email you my proof of ownership of the flat and you can go to the building and ask the security guards about me, they know me.

This is all alot now. I’m jumping through an awful lot of hoops just to peep a place and what’s worse is none of these are qualification checks.

So I’m like, ayt send me your docs, and tell me the building name, I’ll drive passed it on the way home. Did mans not LOSE his mind. “why are you asking me so many questions!? I told you that you cannot view the place until –

Wait. You said there’s another person there, how about I call them instead and arrange to see the place. That way you don’t have to drive all the way out.

“The girl is in limpopo. I also didn’t know until I went to the flat to show someone the place. She comes back on Sunday”

At this point I’m thinking, what is it about me that just attracts scammers? 😢

Long story short, he spun a long story about this hun from Limpopo not being available because she’s a lawyer and is busy with a priority case and that’s why I can’t have her number. I don’t see how the two are related but it’s okay we’re not here to analyse his back story. He then went on to tunnneee me about how ungrateful I am.  He’s outchea doing the most trying to help me and I’m here with my accommodation-needing-ass asking a million and one questions. Do I not realise how many people want this place and I’m here l wasting his time. He’ll give the holding deposit back, why am I even tripping?

And you know, I cav. How dare I ask to view something before paying for it. How dare I. The nerve. Coz that’s the kind of life we live here right? We’re just outchea throwing coins in the air.

Needless to say, I called my mom, dad, best friend and my boss just for a 2nd, 3rd, 4th and 5th option and they all agreed that this was indeed a young summer scam. I reported the ad 15 times just to be extra and then called the guys number back from a private line and called him a potato. I told him he needs to be a little more tactful if this is what his hustle is and to research what people actually pay for when looking for a place so that he can do it right. I then swore a few times and ended with “punk ass potato”.

My boss wasn’t entirely impressed but he saw the need for me to do it so he just let it happen lol. What a great guy.

Since this one, I’ve encountered at least a few more frogs but I have finally found my prince. When they tell you looking for a place is difficult, believe them especially if you have a budget  want to live alone and you live in Cape Town.

I have a mate who had to pay R30 000 to move into her bachelor apartment here in CT. My mom’s and agent so I’ve seen people having to pay close to R47k just to move into their home. This excludes you living your best life hey, but that heavens you have an uninterrupted view of table mountain. How could you live your life without it 💔

My mates in JHB are paying half of what we pay here, for more than we could even dream of getting. I’m talking renovated kitchens and bathrooms, modern countertops and large windows. But they don’t have any ocean of mountain to look at. They just look at smog and some more walls.

Anything that I previously hosted at my parents home, I will not host at mine. I don’t have the space for such right now . Please don’t ask to visit me unless you’re bringing your own space.

I once saw a tweet that said ” people from Cape Town can move to JHB and make it but people from JHB can’t move to CPT and live here. They’ll find everything expensive “.

This could be true?

x

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2 Comments

  1. Patience Dlamini
    January 28, 2019 / 11:44 am

    This is so true. I have a friend who went through the same thing-scammers. You have to be super smart when looking for a place. It’s a jungle out there

  2. Siphilele Poswa
    February 18, 2019 / 10:20 am

    Okay, first of all can we talk about how funny you are? This post is sending me. 😂 😂 😂
    But jokes aside, I feel like living alone in Cape Town is actually not a chat if you don’t have cash dollar naira. In my spare time, I often day dream and go on to property24 and look up cute apartments that I hope to find myself in one day and wow wow wow, I’m always left so shook. Like surely these prices ain’t it.

    I love your writing bra, this is great. Really great. ♥️

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