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Surviving South Africa with Coconut Kelz

Satirical character Coconut Kelz is a young Caucasian woman trapped in a black body. Kelz lives in – and tries never to leave – Sandton and is a staunch supporter of the DA. She has handy tips on how to achieve the right white standard of beauty, how to catch yourself a white guy and find the best suburbs to live in. In this extract from Lesego Tlhabi’s hilarious book about race and class in SA, Kelz tells us how to host the perfect shindig.

Hosting 101

Being the unofficial DA mascot is not always easy. For one thing, I am constantly hosting dinners and events in an effort to get more people to vote for the party.

You see, I am part of the party planning committee. Again, this is on an unofficial basis, but I do enjoy getting fellow enthusiasts together to talk about the future of this country and how we can make it look like the past again.

This chapter will help you elevate your social status from white to white supreme by teaching you how to host the perfect Caucasian shindig. I would have said “party”, but that is how black people let things get out of control. People must know they are attending a shindig, or soirée, so that they know to enter with trepidation in full understanding that it will start and finish on time.

Once you have acquired this skill, your transformation and assimilation process will be complete and you will finally be seen as one of them. At this point, you will have to say goodbye to your entire family. They will no longer be a part of your life. And that is okay.

If this were easy, everyone would have been able to live the life of white privilege. But it is not, and that is why this life is reserved for those of us who want it badly enough.

Guest list

The people you invite will truly make or break your gathering. This is because there are popular people, and there are the people who will sink you into social oblivion.

There is no hard and fast rule that says you can’t invite a black person. But the ratio always has to make the white women feel comfortable and not need to have more than one conversation with Thandi from the office. Oh yes, it is better if she is a colleague – they’ll understand better why she is there.

You might be thinking, but won’t they see I’m black if I invite black friends? No. If you are hosting an event, it means you are already three-quarters of the way into the full transformation process. At this point, when they say they do not see colour, they will be talking about your translucent skin, post bleach.

You also want to invite people from the country club you wish to be a part of. Then they can enjoy your hospitality and go speak to their husbands on your behalf to let you in.

Conversation topics 

You may think that soirée conversation is organic; something that just happens because people connect. Oh, you silly fool! Everything has to be guided and suggested because, as women, we do not want the bother of thinking too hard about the world, otherwise we might get sad.

I bet you are wondering how on earth you can guide conversation when you can’t be everywhere at once. Well, we Caucasian women call it coding. You will put various objects and pictures around the room in the conversation zones so that people bounce off that. ” – City Press

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