So basically, this is the set up. I’ve attended the same church for the last 12 years, and so I consider that my home base. my parentals on the other hand, attend a Nigerian church. However some of these churches pop up and disappear at the speed of blessers blessing and dumping their sugar snacks, it’s hard to remain committed to one.
Based on this trend, you can see how slightly difficult it can be to find a Nigerian home base. but issoryt. we’ll make it.
A year and a bit ago, my mom woke up feeling like this two-church- vibe was creating a gap for satan and had 👏 to👏 go👏. so I was summoned to attend their Church in the mornings, and could serve at and attend mine in the evening.
Sounded doable – until I came to realise that we get to church at 9am and leave at 2.30pm. What gets done in all this time? Everything. Nothing is saved for the next service coz the next service is exactly like this one.
Couple of hours of praise and worship, teaching, questions, snack time, testimonials..
Bru, I got home and took a nap :/ 6.5 hours is enough for the week – Amen? Amen.
Upon being at this Nigerian church for about a week, the assistant pastor told me it was mandatory that I write blurbs and small inserts about important things that would impact the youth in the Church (let’s not talk about the fact that they had no publication, FB page or whatsapp group for me to wrote for or anything, coz that’s none of my business).
At the following weeks service, sir assistant brought the blurbs up again and insisted that it was my calling.
It was my calling? Religious ANGLES
But I wasn’t woke so I agreed. It’s tough to argue with ”calling” 😢😂.
First topic: virginity.
Second topic: sex
Third topic: marriage
This break down was written on a piece of paper just as I had agreed. Not that there was a content plan and they needed a hand to jot it down.
hebanna 😐👀. ON TOP of this assignment, I was to come to the church office two times a week at 7pm to meet with the pastor. I asked about what, to which he replied ” God will reveal when you arrive “. I arrived once (with a mate) and it was just us. My squadron, the assistant Pastor and I ( Me, the individual self). She was asked to wait outside ..
😂 Ok listen, I’m a cynic – but I’m pretty open minded about religious practices because YOLO and people are doing what they need to do to get guest list and VIP wristbands into heaven. Its a real concern. So up until this point I was for the movement (coz calling) – then I was just like: Sham? Why can’t both our souls be in deputy Jesus’ office?
I showed my mom the topics and told her about the meeting and👏 she 👏 went 👏 ham as a MF 👏 . Goodness gracious she went IN. She was like Busta rhymes in that song with Christ brown. She went in hard and fast.
She went in SO hard that at question time during the service, the pastor publicly apologised indirectly . ” Although Chizoba’s mother is mad at me, I will keep trying ”
👀 Keep trying what?
Lmao well Cupcake, we found out the following Sunday.
During the week, he had been texting my step dad about marriage and was low-key tryna convince him that it’s about that time. When we got to church, he called me and my mom aside and expressed his interest in me and that he would like to ask for my hand in marriage ( this is a pastor who is a whole lifetime older than me njalo).
My mom ” what ? 😒 You pulled me out of mingling with the children of God to ask me this ?”
He explained what he saw in me and that I’m fit to be a wife of the ministry (LMAO) and that he’ll hold back on children until I graduate (😂 he had the nerve ! The flipping gall bladder, the whole body of organs to mention this :/ )
If you’ve never met my mom, know that she is a warrior for her cubs ( Yes, I’m in my 20s and I’m still a cub🙃). She can take things from 0 – 101 so quick sometimes I don’t even tell her stuff for the fear of 101km/h and the casualties never making it. She is Hiroshima.
Once more, like the busta rhymes she is , she went harder than the undertaker versus Eddie Guerrero. Started throwing books on the floor highlighting the age gap, the angles being used to get to this point and how she knows he is married back home.
Skrrt. I didn’t know that part😂mess.
It goes without saying that we left the church coz she felt uneasy for my sister and brother, but famo, it turns out that:
– A lady gave him her car as a seed because sir assistant Pastor said if she did, she’d get a Range Rover 4 months from then. ( we arrived a staggering 6 months after this prophesy so idk..).
– He was into little boys ( 6 women had reported this to the church but it was over looked coz #BossoKeMang)
– He took the church money, which according to the church admin, amounted to R200 000 and left to Nigeria. Church premises rent unpaid for two months and staff salaries unpaid. This could have been my husband 😥. SARS and ICT would have been on my case for this oke😢. Stress.
– The lady never got her car back 😂 (tf)
– He slept with a number of women in the church (playa , playaaa😎)
Obviously not all churches are like this, but being vigilant plays a key role especially because a majority of people in desperate situations are high on this ‘opium’ of religion, as Karl Marc calls it.
Sir cupcake Marx was of the view that religion is just employed by the wealthy to stunt the innate competitiveness of man, and as a result, we have some people who believe that being poor is okay. being sick is okay , being molested in a church is okay. The discussion around this topic is much, much greater, but I’m not here for that right now.
I’m just here for the sad fact that my first proposal was not a romantic one with Dutch irises (my fave ❤) or Micheal Franks’ Summer in New York playing in the background 😔 it was a strategic sham from a predator and it was probably for papers too 😢.